I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
