just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
