Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
