My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
