I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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