'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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