1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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