I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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