UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
