tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
