I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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