The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
