I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
