dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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