mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.�
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
