hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
