what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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