it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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