Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
