So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize
