Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
