I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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