Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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