it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
