Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
