Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
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