after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
