i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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