I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
