I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Come see our sink grown plant.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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