Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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