he shaved USA in his pubs
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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