I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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