We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
