I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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