piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
