she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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