So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
