just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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