i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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