I will die if light touches me.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
