he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize