you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
