Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
