Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
