so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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