i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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