Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
