He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
