I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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